Mama, You Got This.

Spoiler alert: Being a Mum is hard work. Being a Mum after loss is even harder. But you know what, I got this.

The first night we took Hunter home I think I genuinely believed it would be a breeze. It wasn't. It was horrible and I felt horrible for thinking it was horrible. They literally send you home and you know pretty much fuck all. You're responsible for keeping this tiny being alive and they're 300% totally reliant on you. No pressure though.

It got to 3am on our first night and I was already done. This little bean wouldn't settle in his crib and when he did for a second, I was convinced he was dead. (The thing is, once you've seen a dead baby...it's all you see for a long time. And when your child looks near identical to the one you've lost, it drives you insane.) So there I was. Exhausted from giving birth with a small, restless and hungry baby in my arms and I just didn't know what I was supposed to do. I ended up throwing a bottle at Mattie's head because I was angry he was sleeping whilst I had a mental breakdown. (HOW DO MEN SLEEP THROUGH EVERYTHING?!) But I somehow made it through that night and the next and the next and we're both still alive (one of us hasn't washed her hair in 3 days and smells of baby milk and sick but ya know, my eyebrows look alright)
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What I want you to know is that no matter how hard it seems, you got this.
No matter how many times you find yourself back at the hospital because they think there might be yet another issue with your baby, you got this.
No matter how many times you find yourself crying because your baby won't stop crying, you got this.
No matter how many times you feel guilty for being a "bad mum" (YES I use a dummy and give him formula), you got this.
No matter how close you come to murdering your partner because he's an idiot and can't use a washing machine or cook a meal, you got this.

As long as your baby is loved, fed and clean you're doing just fine. Sometimes that's all you need to hear, that you ARE a good mum. Trust me when I say, all the screaming for no reason, explosive poo nappies, late nights and worrying is SO worth it. And when they're all scrunched up on your chest, smelling of that wonderful baby smell it suddenly hits you how lucky you are and how amazing you are because you made that baby.

Mama, you got this.

Introducing Hunter Edward Ray Jenkins & His Birth Story

We actually made it. We have him here and he is safe and he is healthy and he is all ours. Our beautiful rainbow baby. Hunter Edward Ray Jenkins, born at 7.07 pm on the 14th of June 2016, weighing 6lbs11oz at 37 weeks. I'm going to crack on straight away with his birth story...mainly because otherwise I'll be jabbering on about how amazing he is for years but also because he is currently napping and a newborn nap is more unpredictable than anything I've ever encountered before!

We received a phonecall at half past 8 on the 14th, inviting me in for my induction. After we showered and got all our bits together we finally left and made our way to the hospital, arriving at about 10.30. He kicked and wriggled the whole way, reassuring me he was fine. On arriving we were shown to a bed and met our first midwife. She was lovely (they all were) and she explained the induction process before listening to baby's heartbeat. That was the point that we discovered Freddie had gone so the midwife took her time and checked I was ready before setting it up. But there it was, loud and strong. After monitoring the heart rate for a while the midwife did an internal examination to see whether they were able to break my waters or whether a pessary should be inserted. It turned out that I was 1cm dilated but they weren't able to break my waters. I was secretly glad as everyone told me that it was really painful to have your waters broken and so in the pessary (or small teabag as the midwife called it) was popped in.

Within about half an hour, I could already begin to feel small and irregular contractions whilst I munched on my jacket potato (NHS food really ain't that bad you know!). They were still pretty tame at this point though and I was moved to another ward and met another midwife. I want to say her name was Jenny but I'm ashamed to admit I honestly can't remember. She told me she would be back at 6 to do another CTG and I was pretty much left to it apart from when I was given paracetamol at around 2. As the hours went past the contractions definitely stepped up a notch and I was writing in pain on my bed. I was also desperate for a wee but every time I went I was unable to go as it felt like something (I'm assuming the head) was blocking it. By the time it hit 6 I was frustrated and in agony and pretty much ready to scrap a natural birth and beg for an epidural. My midwife didn't show up till around 6.15 as it was so busy and I was nearly in tears. She could see I was in a lot of pain and said she would do an internal check after the CTG.

The CTG was set up and initially everything seemed dandy. But as soon as my next contraction hit, Mattie and I watched the heart rate drop...and not just a little bit. Initially we thought maybe the baby had moved position but it became pretty clear that wasn't the case. My midwife called for another midwife and told me to stay on my side. I remember the other midwife arriving and saying "oh". Before I knew it they told me I would have to go to delivery immediately and were talking about phoning various people. At this point I started balling and repeatedly saying "please don't let me lose this baby too". My midwife hugged me and told me it would be OK, she was going to make sure it would be. I realised then that I couldn't stress because baby was already struggling to I sucked it up and before I knew it I was being smashed through doors at an alarming speed to the delivery ward. I honestly felt like I was in an episode of Holby City or something!

From this point, things moved pretty quickly. I met another lovely midwife and she examined me and said I was already at 5cm...I was actually disappointed as I hoped he would be hanging out due to the sheer amount of pain I was in. She said she needed to break my waters and get our little man ASAP. I refused at first because I was so scared of the pain but she told me she really needed to so yet again I told myself to man up and gave her the go ahead. It actually didn't hurt at all, I have no idea why I made such a fuss. I was on the gas and air from this point so I was pretty out of it...I'm basically relying on what Mattie has told me.

The heart rate was still a bit of an issue...sometimes it was fine and then it would drop again. They inserted a drip to speed things up (Mattie said it was horrific and was a whopper needle). I just remember a lot of people appearing in the room and it felt like I had a small crowd all peering between my legs. They told me they needed to take blood from baby's head to check if he was getting oxygen. Again, I panicked and thought this meant he was going to be brain damaged. I heard someone shout out "he has lots of hair!" and Mattie was trying to cheer me up by saying "you hoped he would have hair didn't you" and I pretty much growled at him because my baby's hair was the least of my concerns at this time. The results came back that baby was fine but I was in so much pain and terrified something would go wrong. I think the midwives were stressing too...I imagine the pressure of delivering a healthy baby after a stillborn one would be pretty high and stressful. They were amazing though and constantly comforted and reassured me which was what I needed.

After about 20 minutes of my waters being broken I was pretty much done. I'd had been poked and prodded and I felt exhausted. When I heard someone say that I was going to be taken for a c-section, I felt total relief. Finally the pain would be over and I could have my baby. However, just as they were about to take me to be prepped for the c-section I heard myself annouce "you can't move me, he's coming now" and sure enough, in a shot his head was out and after another push I saw my baby. He didn't cry straight away but then he let out a little cry and he was lifted onto me. I was still wearing my topshop top I wore in, so much for my well planned birthing outfit! I remember saying "we did it Mattie, he's here" and he was. He was breathing he was alive and I got to look into his big, curious eyes with his long lashes.

By some miracle I needed no stitches and I was back on my feet instantly. Hunter was checked over by doctors due to him being early but he's absolutely fine, minus a tinge of jaundice. If anything, Mattie suffered the worst as he saw everything happen and has told me that I'm not allowed to have any more babies...HA!

I can't pretend it's been easy. I didn't sleep for the first 48 hours as I was terrified he would die in his sleep or when he was sleeping I would wake him because he looked just like Freddie. But it has gotten easier as we get to know each other. I am totally besotted and in love with him, he is totally gorgeous and such a good baby (so far anyway!). I can't imagine my life without him now. He will never replace Freddie but he has helped to heal us beyond belief. I finally feel like my life is complete again. Our beautiful rainbow baby, Hunter Jenkins.

*PS sorry about the poor written quality of this post...I've tried to rush it in between Hunter's naps which is no easy task, believe me*

32 Week Update (Oops!)

How am I here at 32 weeks?! Also, how on earth has is taken me this long to update my blog?! Probably because I've been pretty darn busy! Life has been full of midwife appointments, scans, consultant appointments, work and spending time as a couple (plus dog). I'm not complaining though, I've needed the routine and focus to keep me going from one day to the next. As it gets closer to "D-Day" I'm feeling more and more panicked and I feel like I need constant distractions to keep my mind from drifting to the negatives.

I would say "mentally" I'm doing OK. There's a lot of ups and downs recently. I'm missing Freddie a lot recently, more so than usual. I think it's partially because it's nearly been a year since we lost him and partially because I'm scared how having another baby will impact on my relationship with him. I'm also feeling anger more than usual too...angry I wasn't given more attentive care last time (another pregnant woman with the same dipped uterus and breech baby was given consultant care and a c-section at 37 weeks...her baby lived). I'm also angry I can't just sit back and relax in this pregnancy. I don't want to spend every second with my hand on my bump, trying to work out if that was a kick or if I'm imaging it and baby hasn't moved all day. Pregnancy after loss is hard, that is one big fact.

Physically on the other hand, I'm doing pretty good (thank god). Today is my last day at work and I think that was the best possible decision. I have to walk 15 minutes, catch a bus for 20 minutes and then walk for another 10 minutes before I even start work. It can be exhausting, especially when it's a hot day and a man with hygiene issues sits next to you on the bus! I was coping but coming home with swollen feet after a shift to then have to cook/clean/wash/walk the dog really takes it out of me...which then impacts my emotions...which then impacts my relationships with people. I'm looking forward to finally being able to relax and do things in my own time. Fidgety legs are becoming a pretty regular feature in my life, closely followed by night-time leg cramps. The indigestion has started to calm down now since I cut out red meat and white bread but it occasionally comes back to haunt me. Also, on a side note, I've managed to grow myself a fringe. My hair just doesn't stop growing and it's literally sprouting out the front of my head like I've hacked at my hair to try and make an awful full fringe. Although, I'll be thankful for that extra hair when it's falling out after birth!

Scans and appointments have been going well too. Baby is measuring well, albeit with a slightly large head. They've tried to assure me is fine and just down to the fact Mattie and I have large heads and also because the positioning of his head makes it tricky to measure. Which leads me on to the fact that he is head down *yay* for now. A massive reassurance to me as we lost Freddie due to his breech positioning. We've briefly discussed a birth plan and it's looking likely that I'll be induced at 39 weeks, but I'm betting on him coming at around 37/38 weeks.

Hopefully I'll be doing another update before Baby H is here and hopefully it'll be going just as smoothly as it is now.

32 weeks down, 6 weeks *until I'm induced* to go

Surviving Easter and Our First Scare

I meant to write a post about our first Easter without Freddie a while ago but just never got round to it, I feel like life is going at 300 mph recently! So I thought I would combine it with our first little scare, that felt like a big scare, that happened today. Just so you know, everything is fine now *touches wood* thankfully.

Easter was actually pretty lovely. I imagined it being a lot worse than it actually, like most of Freddie's milestones. My parents made him a beautiful floral basket to go on his grave. My mum picked the flowers, basket and rabbit and my dad arranged them. They also did one for my Grandad which was sweet as it was like they matched.

We actually took his basket up on Good Friday as the weather was so lovely and it just felt right. Knowing it was on there for Easter really helped me, I knew he would know we were thinking of him. I wish we could have him with us, trying his first ever Easter egg and making a mess everywhere...just like everyone else. But, like so many things, it's just something else we will never get to experience with him.

Mattie and I spent the day together and even ventured out through the rain (our car conveniently broke) for a pub Sunday lunch. I may or may not have treated myself to an apple and pear crumble with custard for pudding too! It really helped me to focus on the happier points instead of reflecting too deeply on what I was missing out on with Freddie.

On a not so positive note, today gave us our first (or rather my) first "scare". I woke up at 8 and led back, expecting to receive my early morning kicks but there was nothing. I still stayed positive and went to make Mattie and I breakfast, washed down with a hot mug of sweet tea to get baby H moving. I sat down and waited...all I got was a few tiny flutters that could easily have been confused with digestion movements. I still tried to remain calm and positive and went back to bed to encourage movement whilst Mattie went off to play football. I led there and waited and waited for a kick or punch to reassure me but there was nothing. Nothing would budge him, I gently rubbed my belly, played him music, lay on my left and right, drank ice cold water but he was totally still. I began to cry and the negativity was quick to creep in and I started to prepare myself for the fact I was about to lose another baby. Luckily I have super supportive and organised friends that encouraged me to phone the hospital so I could be assessed, which I did. I couldn't get hold of Mattie to let him know what was happening which was pretty scary and isolating but luckily he did come home before my appointment and was able to come with me.

By the time my appointment came around I had began to get little kicks but not as hard or as frequently as before so I knew I was right to be getting checked over. The midwife that saw me was unaware of Freddie but once I told her, she was lovely and reassuring. She really put me at ease and actually spent time with me, thoroughly checking everything to put my mind at rest. When it came to listening to his heartbeat with the doppler (no CTG as I'm not 28 weeks yet) I nearly stopped breathing myself. It always brings back memories of the silence that fell when Freddie's couldn't be heard. But it was there, loud and strong for a whole minute (as well as some hefty kicks which made me look like I'd made up the whole reduced movement saga! Ha!).

So here we are, as fine as we can be at this stage. Baby H is kicking away loud and clear whilst I type and I love every minute of it. Hopefully he won't give me any more scares between now and his birth but I definitely won't hesitate to get it checked if I feel it necessary. Something which I would advise all mothers to do.

Pregnancy Update - 23 Weeks

I'm one week away from having a "viable" baby. Not that I would ever wish for this little peanut to be born anytime soon, but it's reassuring to make it to this milestone. When I found out I was pregnant with this baby, I never dreamed I would even make it to the 12 week scan but I did. Then I made it to the 20 week scan and now I'm here with a very active little man...only a footstep away for 24 weeks. I think that is how I'm managing to keep going and how I'm managing to stay (generally speaking) positive...by focusing on the next milestone ahead. And when I reach it, I aim for the next.

I'm already pretty anxious for my 28 week scan and appointment. We'll be penciling in a rough plan for the delivery and checking that the little man is still healthy. I'm also hoping he'll be tucked nicely in the head down position. I know babies can move around up till about 35 weeks but Freddie stayed breech from 20 weeks till the end and I'm scared this little man will too. I also know plenty of people have had successful births with a breech baby but, after the difficulties it caused me before, I'll be a nervous wreck if I have to go through a breech pregnancy again. I'm trying to work out how he's currently lying but I'm getting movements all over the place so I'm not entirely sure.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm generally doing OK emotionally. Of course Mother's Day was incredibly difficult for me but I persevered and after a morning cry session, I kept myself busy and made it through till the end of the day. I am honestly, loving this pregnancy. I feel so much love for this baby boy, something I never thought I'd be able to feel/say. Every kick or punch feels like he's reaching out to me and he's letting me know that he's doing well. I sometimes wonder if his brother has told him that I'm a total worrier so I need as MUCH reassurance as possible.

Physically I'm doing pretty good too...much the same as my last pregnancy. I was fine and dandy until 27 weeks and then it all seemed to hit me like a tonne of bricks. I'm having bursts of energy during the day but around 7pm, I'm ready for bed! Also, the last two nights I've started to feel some lower back pain. Nothing excruciating but enough to be noticeable. I think it's probably because he likes to sit low and it puts pressure on the bottom of my spine! Work is going well considering too. I'm doing shorter and more consistent shifts so my body has adapted to a bit of a routine which helps.

I feel like I'm jinxing it by enjoying this pregnancy so much and I feel guilty that I'm happy about being pregnant with a baby that isn't Freddie. I'm scared that all this "positive thinking" I'm doing is pointless and that I still won't have a healthy baby at the end of this all. But I know I can't let myself think that way. If, god forbid, something goes wrong, I want to be able to have happy memories to look back on, like I have with Freddie. I also want to make sure I'm not stressed, as I know that it can't be healthy for this baby. So for now I'm just going to take it day by day, one milestone at a time until I hear that scream of a healthy newborn that I've dreamed of for so long.

23 weeks down, 17 more to go.

Pregnancy Announcement/ 20 Week Update

We finally did it. We told the world we are having baby; Freddie will be a big brother and we will be parents to two boys (and one small dog) that we love very much. We had already told family members and close friends but we finally felt that after waiting 18 l-o-o-o-o-n-g weeks, we were good to go. We had the 20 week scan and have been told that as far as they can see, so far, he's a healthy little man. And he is definitely a little man, his legs were wide apart and he clearly had no inhibitions when it came to showing off his bits!

I'd had this announcement ready the day we got back from our dating scan. Perhaps is was slightly premature of me but I wanted to tell the world, I didn't want it to be a dirty secret. But, Mattie and I discussed it and decided we wanted to get the all clear from the 20 week scan before we told people. It was the right decision of course, I wouldn't have been able to cope with having to explain that, yet again, something wasn't going our way.

Obviously I'm not naive, I am more than aware that something could show up at our 28 week scan or even our 32 week scan. I'm well aware he may not make it to the 24 week viability milestone. Basically, I'm aware of all the things that could go wrong. But, if I focused all my thoughts and time on negativity, I'd have a very miserable few months. I'm actually enjoying this stage of pregnancy. I'm as positive as is possible given everything that has happened and right now, things are going OK. I'm taking it as it comes and that's all I can do. It's something that is totally out of my hands. However, I know this little man has the best possible brother watching over him and trying his best to keep us both safe, I'm trusting in him.

Physically, my body is quickly changing. My bump is ever growing as are my boobs. I shouldn't complain but as a previous member of the itty bitty titty committee jumping from a B to a D is a slightly painful experience! Last week I had a lot of "ligament pain" in my lower abdomen but nothing major and it's stopped this week so I think he was just on a growing spree. I'm feeling lots of kicks when I sit down in the evening or when I wake in the morning. He also enjoys it when I eat (typical boy) or when I drink a hot chocolate...only hot chocolate though! I cant wait to have more regular movements but I'm thankful to feel what I do as I have an anterior placenta. Cravings are non existent but I am enjoying food a lot more than I did in the early weeks and my love of healthy food is sadly fading fast! I'm trying to drink water and add lots of veggies to my meals to compensate for the chocolate ice cream. I'll probably regret all the munching when I have a flabby post partum tum but right now, I just don't care!

20 weeks down, 20 more to go. DHJ we cannot wait to meet you. 

Life Update And Thoughts Towards The Dating Scan

Life recently seems to be a mix of lows and highs. No in between, it's either an up or a down. But that's OK I guess. It makes a change from the constant downs and the dull bit in the middle if I'm being perfectly honest. It kind of adds an element of surprise into my life that I haven't had in a long time. When you're used to a constant routine of waking up, breakfast, walking the dog, tidying the house, waiting for Mattie to get home, cooking tea, sleeping and repeating anything that disrupts that seems kind of fun. Even if that something is an argument or going for chocolate cake with your friend you end up getting really excited by it. Maybe it's because it allows me to be distracted from the reality that my son is dead or maybe it's because it interferes with my monotonous routine I'm not sure. Either way, I'm kind of enjoying the unpredictability.

My pregnancy symptoms are starting to ease this week thankfully. By that, I mean I've stopped actually being sick but the sicky feeling is still going strong. It's usually set off by overpowering smells and things that look gross but I that'll probably last till the end of the pregnancy as was the case with Freddie. I'm also still dashing to the loo, desperate for a wee multiple times a day but I'm not too fussed because symptoms are healthy and it offers me the reassurance that I desperately need until I can feel this baba move regularly. My dating scan is next week, at which point I'll be 14 weeks...a little later than we were hoping for but it's only a minor issue and we will be bringing it up at the appointment. I can't help but feel nervous but I'm calm and trying to accept that there's nothing I can do that'll change the outcome. We're actually going to the theater in the afternoon, before the scan so I'm hoping it'll distract me from worrying.

I've also bought my first purchase for this baby, a blanket. It's similar to the one we wrapped Freddie in when he was born and I wanted this baby to have one too. I'm not sure why, I just felt somewhat compelled to get this baby a blanket. I think it's in case this one dies too (I know that sounds awful) but I just want something to wrap this baby in, to keep it warm. And if I'm lucky enough to take this little bean home, it'll be the blanket that covers little feet in the car seat on the way home. I haven't opened the package it came in though, I can't and won't until we've been to this scan. I know things can still go wrong even after a perfect scan but I'll feel a lot safer after it.

Hopefully next time I update my blog I'll be able to share a scan photo of a healthy little bean but I'm well aware this might not be the case. I'm hoping with all my heart that everything is fine and I'm able to see a strong heart beating away so that mine can finally begin to beat again too.

Christmas Without Your Baby

Hands up if you're already sick of Christmas adverts rubbing it in your nose that you don't have your baby with you this Christmas (YES WE'RE LOOKING AT YOU BISTO, I WON'T BE BUYING GRAVY FROM YOU IN FUTURE). I'm pretty sure we're going to be forking out for a new TV soon because I am getting ever closer to throwing the remote through the screen. I think this is going to be the hardest Christmas I ever experience because it should be my first one with my son, Freddie. Instead, it's my first one without him...so bittersweet. I keep thinking about the Christmas bibs I bought for him tucked away in a box somewhere. I don't know why but they seem to be a haunting image for me which is probably silly as they're just some bibs but they symbolised so much. I got them because I knew Freddie would be starting to try food, he would be joining us at the table, making a mess out of his mashed veg, the star of the table.

When I was planning my labour (what a joke) I read that you should give yourself two or three things to focus on to get you through the pain. My first was that first walk in the park as parents, baby all snug in his pram, me with my starbucks and Mattie pushing the pram all proud. Our first proper outing as a family. My second was Christmas day. Watching Freddie's eyes widen as he tries to take in all the lights and sounds and people. Giving him lots of presents even though he would be too young to really get it and watching him make a mess at dinner time then tucking him into bed at night wondering how we got so lucky. Needless to say that all went out the window when the words "I'm so sorry" were whispered to me. The only thing that got me through labour was anger and determination. No happy memories, just a mother wanting to do one last thing for her baby.

So if you haven't already gathered, I'm somewhat of a Grinch this Christmas. We'll be spending Christmas day with my family, hopefully my sickness will have eased so I can comfort eat my way through the day. I'm looking forward to having them for support through the day but I know underneath the festivities I'll have a little black cloud surrounding me because I won't have my Freddie. However, we are doing a few bits and pieces to remember him which I thought I would share in case anyone else is looking for some inspiration on remembering their little angel's this Christmas.

Personalised Christmas Decoration: Having a special bauble to hang on the tree with your baby's name can actually be a really lovely tradition. We're going to do it every year and if we successfully have our rainbow baby, it's something I'd like them to be a part of in the future. I think it'll be a really good way of teaching them about their sibling and making sure that they're still a part of Christmas. There are LOADS to choose from but notonthehighstreet.com do some beautiful ones.

Reading Your Baby A Christmas Story: I'm going to read "The Night Before Christmas" to my picture of Freddie on Christmas Eve because it's something that my Mum used to do with us when we were little and I really wanted to do it with Freddie. Again, it's another thing that future siblings can be a part of.

Visiting A Special Place: I'm inviting family to join Mattie and I at Freddie's grave to lay flowers on Christmas day so that he isn't alone and so I can feel close to him. I won't feel right unless all my family are together. Hopefully the weather will be nice so it can be a happy memory for us all.

Do you have any Christmas traditions that you're including your baby in?

Love Letter (Capture Your Grief Project - Day 23)

Dear Freddie,

You are my only true love and you are my proudest creation. I know a mother is always biased but you were the most perfect baby I have ever had the privilege to lay eyes upon. 

I love the way your skin was so soft and smelt of that beautiful newborn smell. I love your hair, how the midwife said "it's strawberry blonde!" but really it's a light brown. A perfect blend of mine and Mattie's. I love the way it's tufty on the top but thicker and curly at the back. I love your face. I could write that sentence 1000 times over. Your little button nose, your furry little eyebrows and your chubby cheeks I would have never stopped kissing. Your mouth is my favourite thing about you, it is so perfect and pouty, again it was a gift from your Daddy. I love how grumpy you looked, it always made me laugh. I love your beautiful hands and how perfectly they fit into mine. I love your funny little, well actually not so little, feet and your squashed little toe, I love that it made you special.

I wish I could talk about your eyes, I bet they would be big like mine but blue like Mattie's.

I wish I could have heard your voice, that scream I waited 9 months for but it never came.

I love you so very much Freddie Richard Jenkins. I will never love another more than you and I will never stop loving you.

Normalizing Grief (Capture Your Grief Project - Day 12)

The first thing to clear up is that there is no path of "normailty" with grief. There is no set steps of grief. Grief cannot be put into a category as grief is different for everyone. You can't compare someone grieving the loss of a parent to the loss of a baby or the grief of a pet to the loss of a friend. You just can't. Look around you, everyone is totally different so why should we be expected to grieve the same? I remember trawling the internet when Freddie first died. I didn't know how to grieve. I wanted to know how I should be behaving. All I found were "The Five Steps Of Grief". Aka the biggest load of shit ever. Chances are, at some point you will feel those emotions. But definitely not in that order and almost certainly not one at a time.

I couldn't find a picture that showed how grief is for me. So I wrote about what it feels like, for me anyway. It's not particularly well written but I just wanted to get it out in it's most raw form otherwise it wouldn't be true to my feelings. Anyway, here it is. My grief in a very small and in a no way totally exclusive nutshell.

The Island 

Grief is a really hard place to find yourself in. It's like you've been shipped to a totally foreign island. No one there speaks your language. Sometimes a passer by might try to understand you but eventually they give up and walk away because they just can't get it. They can't understand you because they don't come from the same place. You're trying to find your way around this island but you have no map so you're totally lost. You wander in a confused daze while everyone around you carries on their day. Even worse, you don't know your destination. Everyday you try and concentrate on "where am I going?". You never find the answer so you just carry on, aimless. And this island is noisy, so noisy. There are voices constantly ringing through your ears and you don't know if those voices are yours or someone else's. You can't ever turn them down or shut them off so you can't ever sleep, not properly. When you go back to continuing your pointless journey you're exhausted and you can't tell anyone because they can't understand you. Maybe sometimes you find a fragment of a map and you think you're going to be okay only for it to be blown away by the wind or for someone to snatch it from you. Your hope is constantly taken from you in one form or another. Maybe sometimes someone offers you a tissue once in a while to dry your tears but then they leave when the tears don't stop. You hope that one day a map will arrive for you and you'll know your destination. You hope that maybe one day someone will arrive and they'll be able to speak your language. At times that hope is so very strong and you try to hold onto it with all your might. But at other times the hope drifts away and you let it because you're tired and you're broken.

I'm not sure if grief will ever truly be normalized. We accept that people grieve and we try to help as best we can but there's only so much a person can do when they aren't feeling that same feeling. As a person that is grieving I think that's something we have to accept. Unfortunately, we aren't designed to take on another person's emotions and feelings. We can sympathize, we can try to help but we can't read minds. We can't absorb grief, even though we wish we could if it meant we could fully understand or half the pain of a loved one. That's one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn about the grieving process. You can't force someone to understand, nor can you expect them to. That's just how grief works. It's never going to change so I had to.

Keeping Freddie In Our Lives

Freddie will always be in our hearts. That's a given, he will never, ever be forgotten. But for me, I need more than that.These days, it is very easy to be consumed with busy thoughts and stress (and a small devil dog named Olive) so it's crucial that I have a little area or reminder that lets me know he's still here with me.
We have little reminders of him dotted around our house. We have our star certificate that one of Mattie's friends bought for us. It is framed and sits proudly on our windowsill in the living room so that our star is often looking down on us. If you're ever unsure on what to give someone that has experienced a loss I highly recommend getting them a star in the name of their lost one. You can use the co-ordinates on the certificate to locate the star on google and as Mattie doesn't believe in God he finds it such a comfort to know Freddie is up there, twinkling as our little star.
Mattie's cousins gave us a poem that they wrote which is truly beautiful. I find it very hard to look at currently as it is quite emotional so I've left it wrapped carefully in a moving box. I want to put it in our rainbow baby's bedroom as I think that's the only time I'll be able to read it...even then I'm not sure I'll ever be able to read it comfortably. It stirs up so many raw emotions that I'm still trying to control.
Freddie's little slinky mouse is also a very important part of my life. When he was born it sat in his cot with him. I took it to the hospital with me as I wanted it to be the first toy he ever had and it still was. I was close to burying it with him but I couldn't let it go, mouse spent hours in his little hospital bed with him and I needed it. I clutched it like a child for a long time after he died. It came everywhere with me, like a comfort blanket. It smelt like him and I couldn't let it go, I still think it does smell of him but it's probably just my mind telling me that. I don't bring it with me every time we leave the house anymore but if ever we go away overnight it has to be with me. Mouse stays in our bed and if I ever struggle to sleep, cuddling mouse is a massive help. I've even woken in the night to find Mattie holding it. I defend that toy with my life, Olive has tried to run off with it a few times and normally I'm pretty relaxed with what she chews, Mouse is a big no-no. It represents our pain and it represents Freddie.
Those of you that know Mattie and I will know he is a BIG Arsenal fan, much to my dismay (I'm not a football or even sport fan). He has the Arsenal club logo tattooed *brings up sick in my throat* on his arm so that basically puts his love for them in a nutshell. Anyway, I digress... a week or maybe two before Freddie was born we went on a hunt to find a mini Arsenal football for Freddie. Mattie's theory was that if we introduced football from the second was born, we'd have a professional footballer for a son. Don't worry if your eyes just rolled in despair, mine did too (and still do daily). We kept the ball for baby number two, fingers crossed, so they can play with it and think of Freddie. It's pretty special to us as not only does it remind us of the dreams we lost when Freddie died but it gives us hope for another baby, it's a statement that we WILL try again.
My favourite way that I remember Freddie by is my little corner I have made for him in our room. I have a little white frame with my favourite picture of him from the day he was born. On my mirror is a little string of wooden hearts that were in his nursery, it killed me that we had to pack his nursery away so I've kept them out of the boxes of nursery items. There's a little poster with his birth information on it (his weight, where he was born, what time etc) that I purchased here. I've also added a little jar with a posy of flowers, I feel like it adds a more cheery touch to remind me to be happy and positive which isn't always possible but it gives me a good head-start to a happier day. It is so important that he is the last thing I see when I go to bed and the first thing I see when I wake up and with this little display it makes sure this is always guaranteed.

Why I Write My Blog

Initially I started this blog to update about my pregnancy, birth and to track Freddie's milestones as he passed through his childhood. Instead, it's transformed into a blog that documents my struggle through life without a baby, my baby, Freddie. I've lost the direction I'm taking this blog in, I'm not sure what it's going to be in a year from now. Maybe I'll be writing about a how I'm pregnant with a brother or sister for Freddie, maybe I'll have my rainbow baby already with me...I honestly don't know.

Right now, I'm writing this to stay sane. It gives me a purpose. When I lost Freddie I felt like I'd lost all meaning to my life, I drifted without direction. This blog gives me the focus that I'd been craving and that I so desperately needed. This blog gives me something to do...There's only so much dog walking and housework I can do! I'm definitely not ready to go back to work yet, sometimes I'm tempted to go back but then something hits me in the heart and I know it's just not going to happen yet. Some of my fellow angel mum's have gone back to work and I seriously salute them, but for me I'm just not ready yet.

I also like to share my experiences, situations and stories with other people that have experienced the loss of a baby. When I was in the earliest weeks of loss I had no idea if what I was feeling was normal, if how I was acting and reacting was OK. It took my a long time to accept that I was doing the best that I could be. It took a lot of trawling a lot of other blogs, the Sands forum and websites before I felt "normal". I want to be a part of that. If I help another Mum or Dad on their grief journey or if I reassure them they aren't crazy, if I bring people comfort then I'm happy. I've done something good, I've created a tiny legacy for Freddie that I am incredibly proud of. This might only be a little blog but behind it is so much love.

What I Lost.

You don't just lose a baby.

You lose the future you had planned for him. You lose the future you had planned for the both of you.

I've lost hearing that first wail when they're born that let's you know "I'm OK".
I've lost his first proper smile.
I've lost hearing his first baby sounds and words.
I've lost that moment when he takes his wobbly first steps towards my open arms.
I've lost the opportunity to cry as I wave goodbye to him on his first day of school.
I've lost out on tucking him into bed with a night time story and kissing him goodnight.
I've lost out on taking him on trips out to farms and zoos.
I've lost the chance to have Christmas day with him, seeing his face when Santa has been.
I've lost the chance to wipe away his tears when he falls over and comes to me for a magic plaster.
I've lost out on helping him with homework projects, worrying that it won't be done on time or that it won't be the best in the class.
I've lost holiday memories with us all together.
I've lost out on his birthdays, watching children run around my house and the joy on his face when he comes downstairs to all his presents.
I've lost out on telling him it'll be OK when he falls out with his best friend at school.
I've lost the chance to watch him play football or rugby, I've even lost the chance to see what sport he chooses.
I've lost out on him bringing home his first girlfriend.
I've lost the chance to see if he gets into university or college.
I've lost out on helping him move out.
I've lost his wedding day with me weeping into Mattie's shoulder.
I've lost the day he tells me that he's going to be a dad and I'm going to be a grandmother.

So never tell me that I "just lost a baby". I lost his whole life, not just the nine months he spent with me.

Guilt.

Since as long as I can remember, I've always felt guilt very strongly. I'm one of those people that do something and then think about it after. This is a very silly way to live as I often end up making mistakes and spend a long time after feeling guilty. Maybe it's the Catholic in me or maybe I just have an overactive conscience...either way, when I feel guilt I feel it hard. My first reaction when the midwife put her hand on my leg gently and told me that she was "so sorry" but there was "no heartbeat" was guilt. I remember very vividly wailing that I was "so so sorry" to Mattie. I felt guilt and I still do, very strongly.

It's not even just one solid type of guilt. I feel it in so many different ways and most days it consumes and overwhelms me entirely. Speaking to other mums that have lost their babies due to stillbirth in particular, it seems to be a very common feeling. I think a lot of "outsiders" to our grief really struggle to understand what we are feeling and why. So I'm going to try and explain it, as best I can. Obviously this is my personal experience and my feelings so they aren't necessarily transferable to everyone!

Failure - As awful as it sounds, I felt a failure the day I discovered I was pregnant with Freddie. If you know me personally, you'll know that Mattie and I had only been together for 3 months when I fell pregnant. It was a massive shock as I was using birth control and obviously we were in the very early stages of our relationship. I thought he would leave me, I mean you're lucky if you find someone that wants a relationship, let alone a relationship and a baby! As it turned out, when I told him he replied "oh thank god, I thought you'd cheated on me". And that, was that, I also felt like I was a failure to my parents. I didn't work at my A Levels, I didn't go to Uni (I did get in, I just preferred to work), I didn't do driving lessons... I wasn't the golden daughter I could have been in short and now I was pregnant to add to my list of failures. My parents were far from impressed initially. My conservative father refused to speak to me for a week and my mum was convinced Mattie and I would never last. However, towards the end of my pregnancy my dad had made us a crib and my mum was buying bits for Freddie left, right and centre. When I was told Freddie had died I felt a failure all over again. I'd taken their grandchild from them and I'd taken Mattie's son from him.

Blame - I blame myself, entirely. So many people have told me "It's not your fault, you can't blame yourself". But I do, I think I always will. To me, a mother should always protect and care for their child and I can't shake the feeling that I let him die. It was my body that should have protected him and it was my body he died in. I did everything I was supposed to, took my vitamins, stayed healthy, ate well (mostly), cut out alcohol, avoided no-no foods, attended all my appointments diligently...I did everything right. But, somewhere along the line I must have slipped up. Maybe I didn't notice something, maybe I should have asked more questions, pushed for better care? I don't know. The whole nine months drift through my mind as I desperately try to think of something, anything that I could have done. And I can't think of anything, which makes me feel worse. I must  have missed something fundamental and as a result my beautiful little boy died.

Anger and jealousy - I feel so, so guilty about the feelings of anger and jealousy that sometimes hit me. I look at pregnant mothers with a cigarette or drink in their hand and I have to restrain myself from slapping them across their face and shouting "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I spent my whole pregnancy protecting and shielding my unborn child from every possible danger and yet there are mothers who seem to not care about their baby, all they care about is themselves. I mean really, how hard is it to sacrifice getting drunk for nine months? I also see mothers whine and complain at every opportunity about their baby. I would do anything to have a wild toddler running circles around me, to change a dirty nappy, to spend all night without sleep nursing my child. I understand that looking after a baby is difficult and stressful, I really do. But when I see people that only complain, it kills me. Don't you know how lucky you are? Treasure every second. Because that's a second I never got and never will get with Freddie.

I had no idea that I would lose my baby and I had no idea how much it would hurt. Guilt is only one tiny part of losing your child, I feel so many other emotions daily. It's torture. But it is easing very slowly, especially the anger and jealousy.

What types of guilt have you experienced?

The New Normal Project

The new normal is a phrase widely used by those who have lost a baby. It's a completely different way of life, like nothing you'll have ever experienced before. You can break up with a partner and it hurts but, eventually, things just go back to normal. You lose a baby and the entire trajectory of your life is altered in one, swift and devastating blow. Everything you were certain about, everyone you were certain about are smashed into tiny pieces. The house you planned to raise your child in? Tainted. That friend you've known for years? Gone. That TV show (One Born Every Minute) you used to love? Ha. Forget it. Your whole world is turned upside down and you're left in an emotional, painful state and before long you realise, this is how it is now. This is my life, this is my "new normal". 

It's so very unfair. We have to rebuild our crushed world that we lovingly created and we have to rebuild it with key pieces missing. It's an impossible task and so we have to make a new world. It's not as good and we miss our old world but it does the job (just) nonetheless.

The New Normal Project is nothing fancy, nothing groundbreaking and it's not going to make the pain you're feeling go away. It's just a simple concept. It's a platform to tell your story and how your life has been altered. For example: I've moved house because our old one held to many painful memories, I've got a puppy instead of a baby now, I'm debating changing career as I don't know if I'll be able to return to childrenswear...

If you want to tell your story and how your life has been changed just go to the Contact Me page and send me an email containing:

- Your name

- Your baby's/babies' name(s)

- Your blog name/website address

- Your story (it can be as detailed or as brief as you like)

- What's changed in your life.

I'm really want gain a collection of stories to show parents that they aren't alone. If I could describe how I felt after the first initial few weeks it would be isolated and confused. I was constantly questioning if what I was feeling was normal and left wondering if anyone else had been through this and survived. I also want to use this as a legacy for our babies, so that their names are out there in black and white because they exist and their stories deserve to be told.

About Last Night

About last night. I feel like I've been in a car crash and I'm still trying to recover from it. I don't even know why it was so bad. I've been in a similar situation before and breezed through it but last night I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't listen to people's bullshit small talk. I don't care that your children are getting married (two days after the anniversary of Freddie's death. Not that anyone mentioned it. God forbid we actually speak about him), I don't care that your children are "doing it properly" (shame on me for having sex before marriage), I don't care that you're moving to Chelsea to live the fantastic life I'll never have. I don't fucking care.

Then the cherry on the cake came. Don't get me wrong, I still love children. I love being around them. It's one of the few things in life that still makes me happy. It's the conversation that follows that I hate. Every comment stabs me like a knife. It's like I'm starving to the point where I'm almost gone and people are tormenting me with food...waving it in my face to remind me what I don't have.

"Look at his hair, I can't believe he's so blonde!" No one is ever going to talk about Freddie's hair, no one would ever think to ask what it was like. For the record I remember it distinctly. We were shocked when he came out as when mixed with blood (yeah, yeah it's gross. I know) he looked ginger. Chloe, the midwife even commented "looks a bit strawberry blonde to me!". After he was cleaned up though it was apparent it was a very light, mousy brown. Still a shock as I was very dark and very hairy when I was born. So much so that my mum asked the doctor if there was something wrong with me. She was swiftly informed "no, she's just very hairy". I also remember visiting him in the chapel of rest. He had a thicker patch of hair to the back of his head in tiny, intricate curls. They were perfect. He is perfect. Anyway, I'm just angry that Freddie's hair will never be discussed. I could talk for hours about every inch of him but no one cares about the dead baby. An alive one is always better for a topic of conversation.

"Last time we saw him, he was just a baby!" Freddie should have been there. He should have been the baby this time. He should have been there, stealing all the attention but he's not. Just the awkwardness of his absence. A great big empty whole. Ironically there was an empty chair as someone got the numbers wrong but that cut me even deeper. To me it represented Freddie.

I just sat and watched Mattie's dad play and engage with his nephew and I couldn't take it anymore. Everywhere I looked I felt anger. How am I supposed to be happy and join in with meaningless and boring conversation? How am I supposed to just not talk about Freddie because I might make other people feel awkward?

I'm tired of pretending I'm OK. Pretending my son didn't exist. Pretending I didn't spend 15 hours in hospital in agony. Pretending I'm coping. Just pretending.

How does anyone live through this? It's honestly beyond me.

What We Wish Others Would Understand

I was inspired to write this post after I saw this question posed on the facebook page of  Still Standing Magazine.

"What do you wish the world would understand about the reality of being a bereaved parent?"

I started reading some of the replies, shouting "YES" and nodding furiously in agreement with what I've read. Sometimes it's just so comforting to know that you aren't alone...other people feel the same way and no, you aren't going mad. So I've decided to summarise some of the most accurate and applicable to me.

"Living a new normal isn't comfortable and you're not the same" - Sometimes you just want to cancel plans and curl up in a ball. Some people, close family and close friends may understand but others just don't get it. It's only been months for me but I find people treating it as if it's been years and they don't understand why I'm not over it.

"It's OK to speak his name" - It's not a dirty word, it won't kill me. My son has a name, just SAY it. I wan't to always acknowledge his existence. He's a real person and I don't want to ever, ever forget him and by not saying his name you're letting his memory fade.

"It STILL hurts. Everyday" - I still cry at baby adverts, I still see the day vividly every time I close my eyes, I still feel the pain of giving birth to him, daily. I miss him and that fucking hurts. Just because you've seen me smile, or because I can put on make up and function, it doesn't mean I'm not hurting.

"We have never been prepped for having our child die" We are learning as we go. We don't know what we are doing or where we are going. We are lost with empty arms. I hate being pestered about when I'm going back to work or when am I having another etc. I don't know, I'm just making it up as I go.

"Having another baby makes loss easier but also harder at the same time" - This one really hits me. I'm desperate for another baby to fill my arms but it'll never fill the gaping, Freddie shaped hole in my heart. My next baby will be a constant reminder of what could of been and the life that was stolen from Freddie. It's going to be so healing but so hard.

What do you wish that others would understand?

Things To Be Proud Of

Since losing Freddie life has been far from easy. It's rare that I find myself truly experiencing a moment of happiness. I find myself constantly holding back from having a good time. I feel guilty for allowing myself to laugh or have fun, I feel like I'm betraying Freddie. But, since joining www.uk-sands.org (I highly recommend joining the sands forum if you have been affected by stillbirth or neo-natal death) I have learnt that it is so important "to be kind to yourself". One woman ended her message to me with that and I've treasured those words ever since.

Of course I'm going to be sad, I'm going to cry into his small, baby outfits, I'm going to spend days in bed, I'm going to ignore and avoid people. It's natural. And, more importantly, it's part of the healing process. That being said, I've recently made an effort to push myself to be happy, to have fun, to smile and to laugh. I know that Freddie wants our lives to continue, I know he wants me to be happy and I know he knows that we will never forget him.

I want to share some things I've done in the past few months that I am proud of. They aren't all massively significant or award winning things but to me they are gigantic steps I've taken in learning to survive with grief:

• I went to a job interview. For most, this isn't a big deal. It's a part of life. But since losing Freddie I'm scared of everything, talking on the phone, making appointments, seeing the dentist. Pretty much anything that involves people I don't know and being away from Mattie *wet flannel alert*. But I did it, I went to the job interview and I survived. I actually got the job too (by some miracle) but I turned it down as we felt the hours were too demanding as we want to try for another baby.
• Deciding to try for another baby. This both terrifies and excites me. There are so many fears that come with a new pregnancy but I need to push myself to do it. I don't in any way wish to replace Freddie but I need a baby. We've decided to relax and see what happens, there isn't any pressure for me to get pregnant, we're just going to let it be.
• Continuing this blog. This isn't a particularly big deal for me. I was writing this blog for Freddie and I'm still writing it for him. If it helps others along the way then that's an added bonus. It gives me a focus and distraction from everyday life and not much offers that currently.
• Visiting my friend and her baby. My best friend's baby girl was born a few days before Freddie, I've seen my friend since but not actually with her little girl. This was a MASSIVE step for me. Although I've passed babies on the street and been near them in church, I hadn't actually spent time with one. Surprisingly, I enjoyed myself and have fallen utterly in love with her baby, she is beautiful and incredibly well behaved! She did ask if I wanted to hold her but I declined, I figured I should learn to walk before I run (but mainly I was scared if I held her I wouldn't want to give her back, she's too cute!). 
• Planning Freddie's anniversary. I know it's a long way off but again, it gives me focus and direction. Thinking of ways to celebrate him brings me such joy and helps me find happiness in his brief existence that was ended so prematurely. I want to make as many lovely memories with him as possible.

 Feel free to comment anything you've done recently that you're proud of!

Day-To-Day Life Without A Baby

"How are you getting on?". The most irritating question I receive on a daily basis. So much so I actually avoid going out to somewhere that I'll encounter people I know. It's not so much the question I hate, it's the answer I give. "Oh you know, as well as can be expected". The answer they all want to hear. No one wants to hear the reality. The truth. That I'm drowning in an all consuming wave of misery, anger, jealousy and guilt. I am so very miserable and quite frankly, I'm sick of having to lie about being OK.

Initially, everyone is "here for you". But you begin to notice people gradually disappearing from your life. They want the old you. The you that wants to go out and have fun, the you that comes to soft play with your children, the you that can spend hours gossiping or complaining about trivial things. But that isn't you. Having your baby ripped away from your life changes you. Completely and utterly. Mattie is the opposite, he works hard to reassure people he's the same old happy person but I can't do that. Why should I? Why should I try and convince people that I'm the same fun loving 20 year old woman I was before? It's ME that's gone through the pain and agony of losing a child, why should I have to alter myself to make other people feel more comfortable?

I started out trying to be brave and strong, telling people that "these things happen" but I've started to realise I was just prolonging the inevitable breakdown. It happened. I lashed out. I mean I totally lost it and went bat-shit cray. To cut a long story short (and to save my dignity) it ended with Mattie literally dragging me kicking and screaming and him forcing me into bed where I cried myself to sleep, weeping into Freddie's toy mouse. My family genuinely thought I'd lost it. and, momentarily I had. I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to let it all out. Write it down, shout at inanimate objects (avoid shouting at your partner, family or friends but if you do, they'll get over it. They understand) just for the love of God, don't pretend it's just one of those things. It isn't and it never will be. It shouldn't have happened to me, or to you. But it has and it fucking hurts. A lot.

So how am I "getting on"? Well, since my *ahem* breakdown, a lot better. If people ask, I tell them straight up how I am. Some people are uncomfortable and try to shuffle away with the look of regret on their faces. I probably won't see them again, they'll avoid eye contact and speaking to me again at all costs. And that's OK. Other people might surprise you though. By being honest, I've received some amazing advice, comforting words and I've got the support I needed to keep my shit together. I still cry, almost daily. I hate other people for taking home babies when I couldn't and I still ache for my baby, Freddie but I'm getting there. I will get there.