Pregnancy Update - 23 Weeks

I'm one week away from having a "viable" baby. Not that I would ever wish for this little peanut to be born anytime soon, but it's reassuring to make it to this milestone. When I found out I was pregnant with this baby, I never dreamed I would even make it to the 12 week scan but I did. Then I made it to the 20 week scan and now I'm here with a very active little man...only a footstep away for 24 weeks. I think that is how I'm managing to keep going and how I'm managing to stay (generally speaking) positive...by focusing on the next milestone ahead. And when I reach it, I aim for the next.

I'm already pretty anxious for my 28 week scan and appointment. We'll be penciling in a rough plan for the delivery and checking that the little man is still healthy. I'm also hoping he'll be tucked nicely in the head down position. I know babies can move around up till about 35 weeks but Freddie stayed breech from 20 weeks till the end and I'm scared this little man will too. I also know plenty of people have had successful births with a breech baby but, after the difficulties it caused me before, I'll be a nervous wreck if I have to go through a breech pregnancy again. I'm trying to work out how he's currently lying but I'm getting movements all over the place so I'm not entirely sure.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm generally doing OK emotionally. Of course Mother's Day was incredibly difficult for me but I persevered and after a morning cry session, I kept myself busy and made it through till the end of the day. I am honestly, loving this pregnancy. I feel so much love for this baby boy, something I never thought I'd be able to feel/say. Every kick or punch feels like he's reaching out to me and he's letting me know that he's doing well. I sometimes wonder if his brother has told him that I'm a total worrier so I need as MUCH reassurance as possible.

Physically I'm doing pretty good too...much the same as my last pregnancy. I was fine and dandy until 27 weeks and then it all seemed to hit me like a tonne of bricks. I'm having bursts of energy during the day but around 7pm, I'm ready for bed! Also, the last two nights I've started to feel some lower back pain. Nothing excruciating but enough to be noticeable. I think it's probably because he likes to sit low and it puts pressure on the bottom of my spine! Work is going well considering too. I'm doing shorter and more consistent shifts so my body has adapted to a bit of a routine which helps.

I feel like I'm jinxing it by enjoying this pregnancy so much and I feel guilty that I'm happy about being pregnant with a baby that isn't Freddie. I'm scared that all this "positive thinking" I'm doing is pointless and that I still won't have a healthy baby at the end of this all. But I know I can't let myself think that way. If, god forbid, something goes wrong, I want to be able to have happy memories to look back on, like I have with Freddie. I also want to make sure I'm not stressed, as I know that it can't be healthy for this baby. So for now I'm just going to take it day by day, one milestone at a time until I hear that scream of a healthy newborn that I've dreamed of for so long.

23 weeks down, 17 more to go.

Pregnancy Announcement/ 20 Week Update

We finally did it. We told the world we are having baby; Freddie will be a big brother and we will be parents to two boys (and one small dog) that we love very much. We had already told family members and close friends but we finally felt that after waiting 18 l-o-o-o-o-n-g weeks, we were good to go. We had the 20 week scan and have been told that as far as they can see, so far, he's a healthy little man. And he is definitely a little man, his legs were wide apart and he clearly had no inhibitions when it came to showing off his bits!

I'd had this announcement ready the day we got back from our dating scan. Perhaps is was slightly premature of me but I wanted to tell the world, I didn't want it to be a dirty secret. But, Mattie and I discussed it and decided we wanted to get the all clear from the 20 week scan before we told people. It was the right decision of course, I wouldn't have been able to cope with having to explain that, yet again, something wasn't going our way.

Obviously I'm not naive, I am more than aware that something could show up at our 28 week scan or even our 32 week scan. I'm well aware he may not make it to the 24 week viability milestone. Basically, I'm aware of all the things that could go wrong. But, if I focused all my thoughts and time on negativity, I'd have a very miserable few months. I'm actually enjoying this stage of pregnancy. I'm as positive as is possible given everything that has happened and right now, things are going OK. I'm taking it as it comes and that's all I can do. It's something that is totally out of my hands. However, I know this little man has the best possible brother watching over him and trying his best to keep us both safe, I'm trusting in him.

Physically, my body is quickly changing. My bump is ever growing as are my boobs. I shouldn't complain but as a previous member of the itty bitty titty committee jumping from a B to a D is a slightly painful experience! Last week I had a lot of "ligament pain" in my lower abdomen but nothing major and it's stopped this week so I think he was just on a growing spree. I'm feeling lots of kicks when I sit down in the evening or when I wake in the morning. He also enjoys it when I eat (typical boy) or when I drink a hot chocolate...only hot chocolate though! I cant wait to have more regular movements but I'm thankful to feel what I do as I have an anterior placenta. Cravings are non existent but I am enjoying food a lot more than I did in the early weeks and my love of healthy food is sadly fading fast! I'm trying to drink water and add lots of veggies to my meals to compensate for the chocolate ice cream. I'll probably regret all the munching when I have a flabby post partum tum but right now, I just don't care!

20 weeks down, 20 more to go. DHJ we cannot wait to meet you. 

The Dating Scan

Aaaand breathe. I made it, I survived a scan and I came out with the news we had only dreamed of 6 months ago. We are definitely having a baby, a baby that is so far healthy and has a strong, beating heart. Which at this point, is all we can ask for I suppose.

The pre-scan part was hard, I can't lie. We spent the day staying distracted...watching Lord Of The Flies, window shopping and having a meal before the oh-so-familiar drive to the hospital. I don't really remember the happy scans with Freddie there. I remember driving up there when we were seeing him for the last time before he was moved to the funeral home, closer to us. I tried not to think of that when we drove there this time but it still crept up on me like it always does.

In the waiting room I felt close to a panic attack. I felt angry too. I recognised one woman, she was a year or two above me at school...I could just about remember her name. She was irritating me, nattering away excitedly to her mum whilst her boyfriend sat bored on his phone. I wasn't angry at her as a person, just the fact that she could be so happy and carefree. I wanted that back. Instead I sat with a sick feeling, my heart racing and I whispered to Mattie that I wanted to leave. Luckily he didn't let me and reassured me, as always that it would be "fine".

Then before I knew it, there I was on the bed with that cold jelly on my stomach. All of a sudden a baby was on the screen. "Look, there's the little heartbeat" the sonographer announced before I even had a chance to worry. I noticed the baby looked far more developed than Freddie did at 12 weeks, in fact I thought it looked more like him at 20 weeks! I had to roll onto my side so we could check measurements and this baby was measuring at 15+2 weeks so a lot bigger than the 13 weeks they had written down. Mattie then asked "so is there any chance we can tell the sex then?". Luckily our sonographer was very accommodating and said she would have a cheeky look for us! I won't be saying what the result was until we've had it confirmed at the 20 week scan though...you know, just in case it changes!

After that was all done (our little peanut even waved goodbye!) we saw a midwife to go over the results. Everything was looking good so far and she booked me an appointment to see a consultant so we would be able to discuss the care plan for this baby and myself! I finally felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. We looked at the scan photos and laughed at the little snub nose (different to Freddie's button nose) and full pouty lips (the same as Freddie).

I've made it past the first trimester and I'm one step closer to meeting this little bubba. I have a long, anxious and uncertain road ahead but one thing I am sure of it that my heart is utterly full of love already.

Life Update And Thoughts Towards The Dating Scan

Life recently seems to be a mix of lows and highs. No in between, it's either an up or a down. But that's OK I guess. It makes a change from the constant downs and the dull bit in the middle if I'm being perfectly honest. It kind of adds an element of surprise into my life that I haven't had in a long time. When you're used to a constant routine of waking up, breakfast, walking the dog, tidying the house, waiting for Mattie to get home, cooking tea, sleeping and repeating anything that disrupts that seems kind of fun. Even if that something is an argument or going for chocolate cake with your friend you end up getting really excited by it. Maybe it's because it allows me to be distracted from the reality that my son is dead or maybe it's because it interferes with my monotonous routine I'm not sure. Either way, I'm kind of enjoying the unpredictability.

My pregnancy symptoms are starting to ease this week thankfully. By that, I mean I've stopped actually being sick but the sicky feeling is still going strong. It's usually set off by overpowering smells and things that look gross but I that'll probably last till the end of the pregnancy as was the case with Freddie. I'm also still dashing to the loo, desperate for a wee multiple times a day but I'm not too fussed because symptoms are healthy and it offers me the reassurance that I desperately need until I can feel this baba move regularly. My dating scan is next week, at which point I'll be 14 weeks...a little later than we were hoping for but it's only a minor issue and we will be bringing it up at the appointment. I can't help but feel nervous but I'm calm and trying to accept that there's nothing I can do that'll change the outcome. We're actually going to the theater in the afternoon, before the scan so I'm hoping it'll distract me from worrying.

I've also bought my first purchase for this baby, a blanket. It's similar to the one we wrapped Freddie in when he was born and I wanted this baby to have one too. I'm not sure why, I just felt somewhat compelled to get this baby a blanket. I think it's in case this one dies too (I know that sounds awful) but I just want something to wrap this baby in, to keep it warm. And if I'm lucky enough to take this little bean home, it'll be the blanket that covers little feet in the car seat on the way home. I haven't opened the package it came in though, I can't and won't until we've been to this scan. I know things can still go wrong even after a perfect scan but I'll feel a lot safer after it.

Hopefully next time I update my blog I'll be able to share a scan photo of a healthy little bean but I'm well aware this might not be the case. I'm hoping with all my heart that everything is fine and I'm able to see a strong heart beating away so that mine can finally begin to beat again too.

New Year And A New Outlook

I have mixed feelings towards 2016 as I'm sure many loss mums do. 2015 was a very hard year, I had to grow up a lot when I discovered I was pregnant and I had to grow up even more when Freddie died. But, in some ways it was also a happy year for me. I got to meet my beautiful baby boy. I spent 9 months building up a picture of him in my mind but I never thought he would be so very perfect. I could  talk for ages about how he looked but I'm sure I already have many times on here. I fell for Mattie on a much deeper level, I watched him become a father and that is truly one of the most special things I have ever witnessed. A large part of my guilt is feeling that I took that away from Mattie, the chance to father Freddie but really he still does father him but in a different way to most. We also moved house and welcomed Olive into our home, both very special events for us. Olive is essentially my surrogate child, a role she has thoroughly enjoyed as she is still a big baby and loves keeping us on our toes. It's also the year we found out that I'm pregnant with *hopefully* our rainbow baby. My 12 week (even though I'll be 14 weeks) scan is in two weeks and I am so hoping that this little peanut is here to stay with us.

I'm really hoping 2016 is kinder to us, I'm really rooting for it to be but only time will tell I suppose. I think that's how life is going to be for the next few months of pregnancy, holding my breath as we pass each stage. I don't want to live in fear though, so I've decided to write a few of my New Years Resolutions:

Believe in the positive even when faced with a negative

Be kinder to others, you never know what battle they may be facing

Try to relax more

Be more assertive for the baby and this pregnancy

Trust my instincts more

Moan less and be thankful more

Create and treasure memories

Christmas Without Your Baby

Hands up if you're already sick of Christmas adverts rubbing it in your nose that you don't have your baby with you this Christmas (YES WE'RE LOOKING AT YOU BISTO, I WON'T BE BUYING GRAVY FROM YOU IN FUTURE). I'm pretty sure we're going to be forking out for a new TV soon because I am getting ever closer to throwing the remote through the screen. I think this is going to be the hardest Christmas I ever experience because it should be my first one with my son, Freddie. Instead, it's my first one without him...so bittersweet. I keep thinking about the Christmas bibs I bought for him tucked away in a box somewhere. I don't know why but they seem to be a haunting image for me which is probably silly as they're just some bibs but they symbolised so much. I got them because I knew Freddie would be starting to try food, he would be joining us at the table, making a mess out of his mashed veg, the star of the table.

When I was planning my labour (what a joke) I read that you should give yourself two or three things to focus on to get you through the pain. My first was that first walk in the park as parents, baby all snug in his pram, me with my starbucks and Mattie pushing the pram all proud. Our first proper outing as a family. My second was Christmas day. Watching Freddie's eyes widen as he tries to take in all the lights and sounds and people. Giving him lots of presents even though he would be too young to really get it and watching him make a mess at dinner time then tucking him into bed at night wondering how we got so lucky. Needless to say that all went out the window when the words "I'm so sorry" were whispered to me. The only thing that got me through labour was anger and determination. No happy memories, just a mother wanting to do one last thing for her baby.

So if you haven't already gathered, I'm somewhat of a Grinch this Christmas. We'll be spending Christmas day with my family, hopefully my sickness will have eased so I can comfort eat my way through the day. I'm looking forward to having them for support through the day but I know underneath the festivities I'll have a little black cloud surrounding me because I won't have my Freddie. However, we are doing a few bits and pieces to remember him which I thought I would share in case anyone else is looking for some inspiration on remembering their little angel's this Christmas.

Personalised Christmas Decoration: Having a special bauble to hang on the tree with your baby's name can actually be a really lovely tradition. We're going to do it every year and if we successfully have our rainbow baby, it's something I'd like them to be a part of in the future. I think it'll be a really good way of teaching them about their sibling and making sure that they're still a part of Christmas. There are LOADS to choose from but notonthehighstreet.com do some beautiful ones.

Reading Your Baby A Christmas Story: I'm going to read "The Night Before Christmas" to my picture of Freddie on Christmas Eve because it's something that my Mum used to do with us when we were little and I really wanted to do it with Freddie. Again, it's another thing that future siblings can be a part of.

Visiting A Special Place: I'm inviting family to join Mattie and I at Freddie's grave to lay flowers on Christmas day so that he isn't alone and so I can feel close to him. I won't feel right unless all my family are together. Hopefully the weather will be nice so it can be a happy memory for us all.

Do you have any Christmas traditions that you're including your baby in?

Love Letter (Capture Your Grief Project - Day 23)

Dear Freddie,

You are my only true love and you are my proudest creation. I know a mother is always biased but you were the most perfect baby I have ever had the privilege to lay eyes upon. 

I love the way your skin was so soft and smelt of that beautiful newborn smell. I love your hair, how the midwife said "it's strawberry blonde!" but really it's a light brown. A perfect blend of mine and Mattie's. I love the way it's tufty on the top but thicker and curly at the back. I love your face. I could write that sentence 1000 times over. Your little button nose, your furry little eyebrows and your chubby cheeks I would have never stopped kissing. Your mouth is my favourite thing about you, it is so perfect and pouty, again it was a gift from your Daddy. I love how grumpy you looked, it always made me laugh. I love your beautiful hands and how perfectly they fit into mine. I love your funny little, well actually not so little, feet and your squashed little toe, I love that it made you special.

I wish I could talk about your eyes, I bet they would be big like mine but blue like Mattie's.

I wish I could have heard your voice, that scream I waited 9 months for but it never came.

I love you so very much Freddie Richard Jenkins. I will never love another more than you and I will never stop loving you.