Things To Be Proud Of

Since losing Freddie life has been far from easy. It's rare that I find myself truly experiencing a moment of happiness. I find myself constantly holding back from having a good time. I feel guilty for allowing myself to laugh or have fun, I feel like I'm betraying Freddie. But, since joining www.uk-sands.org (I highly recommend joining the sands forum if you have been affected by stillbirth or neo-natal death) I have learnt that it is so important "to be kind to yourself". One woman ended her message to me with that and I've treasured those words ever since.

Of course I'm going to be sad, I'm going to cry into his small, baby outfits, I'm going to spend days in bed, I'm going to ignore and avoid people. It's natural. And, more importantly, it's part of the healing process. That being said, I've recently made an effort to push myself to be happy, to have fun, to smile and to laugh. I know that Freddie wants our lives to continue, I know he wants me to be happy and I know he knows that we will never forget him.

I want to share some things I've done in the past few months that I am proud of. They aren't all massively significant or award winning things but to me they are gigantic steps I've taken in learning to survive with grief:

• I went to a job interview. For most, this isn't a big deal. It's a part of life. But since losing Freddie I'm scared of everything, talking on the phone, making appointments, seeing the dentist. Pretty much anything that involves people I don't know and being away from Mattie *wet flannel alert*. But I did it, I went to the job interview and I survived. I actually got the job too (by some miracle) but I turned it down as we felt the hours were too demanding as we want to try for another baby.
• Deciding to try for another baby. This both terrifies and excites me. There are so many fears that come with a new pregnancy but I need to push myself to do it. I don't in any way wish to replace Freddie but I need a baby. We've decided to relax and see what happens, there isn't any pressure for me to get pregnant, we're just going to let it be.
• Continuing this blog. This isn't a particularly big deal for me. I was writing this blog for Freddie and I'm still writing it for him. If it helps others along the way then that's an added bonus. It gives me a focus and distraction from everyday life and not much offers that currently.
• Visiting my friend and her baby. My best friend's baby girl was born a few days before Freddie, I've seen my friend since but not actually with her little girl. This was a MASSIVE step for me. Although I've passed babies on the street and been near them in church, I hadn't actually spent time with one. Surprisingly, I enjoyed myself and have fallen utterly in love with her baby, she is beautiful and incredibly well behaved! She did ask if I wanted to hold her but I declined, I figured I should learn to walk before I run (but mainly I was scared if I held her I wouldn't want to give her back, she's too cute!). 
• Planning Freddie's anniversary. I know it's a long way off but again, it gives me focus and direction. Thinking of ways to celebrate him brings me such joy and helps me find happiness in his brief existence that was ended so prematurely. I want to make as many lovely memories with him as possible.

 Feel free to comment anything you've done recently that you're proud of!