What I Lost.

You don't just lose a baby.

You lose the future you had planned for him. You lose the future you had planned for the both of you.

I've lost hearing that first wail when they're born that let's you know "I'm OK".
I've lost his first proper smile.
I've lost hearing his first baby sounds and words.
I've lost that moment when he takes his wobbly first steps towards my open arms.
I've lost the opportunity to cry as I wave goodbye to him on his first day of school.
I've lost out on tucking him into bed with a night time story and kissing him goodnight.
I've lost out on taking him on trips out to farms and zoos.
I've lost the chance to have Christmas day with him, seeing his face when Santa has been.
I've lost the chance to wipe away his tears when he falls over and comes to me for a magic plaster.
I've lost out on helping him with homework projects, worrying that it won't be done on time or that it won't be the best in the class.
I've lost holiday memories with us all together.
I've lost out on his birthdays, watching children run around my house and the joy on his face when he comes downstairs to all his presents.
I've lost out on telling him it'll be OK when he falls out with his best friend at school.
I've lost the chance to watch him play football or rugby, I've even lost the chance to see what sport he chooses.
I've lost out on him bringing home his first girlfriend.
I've lost the chance to see if he gets into university or college.
I've lost out on helping him move out.
I've lost his wedding day with me weeping into Mattie's shoulder.
I've lost the day he tells me that he's going to be a dad and I'm going to be a grandmother.

So never tell me that I "just lost a baby". I lost his whole life, not just the nine months he spent with me.